today is maru's birthday - last night i made her a death by chocolate cake - two layers of moist chocolate cake with a thick splotch of chocolate mousse sandwiched in between - all of this slathered with dark chocolate icing and then decorated with a powdered sugar snowflake - yummm - margaret, diana and jennifer showed up - mike brought a bottle of yummy white wine - forgot the name already - and killy and i stayed up late drinking wine and watching law & order - i haven't even told him that we missed 24 - but that's ok - margaret recorded the show

haven't gotten my christmas cards out yet - that's something that I am working on today - blah ha ha - actually - they are holiday cards - carolina - always waiting until the last minute

OK

i had a dream and i have to write it down before i forget

maru and i ran away to new york - i think it was me who ran away with a guy - a musician - and we were living in a very itsy bitsy small apartment with very high ceilings and a bathroom/shower in the middle of the room - it was painted blue and baby blue with brink showing through the paint - very cool - the closet space was a portable closet and was always in a different place - i remember in my dream arriving in new york and feeling really bad that i didn't even tell killy my husband that i was going - the guy i ran away with wasn't my lover and there was no interest in that regard for either one of us - so the guilt i felt was not for letting killy down - but for knowing that he wouldn't believe me anyway - so i avoided calling him for a few days
meanwhile - i went through the city looking for a job - i stopped by macey's to ask for an application - i figured i could work in retail for a while and have a nice job in a decent location - so there i was going through the city - there were lots of escalators everywhere - outside and inside - i know it was about christmas or so because there was a feeling of festivity in the air - there was glitter and glamour and lots of bright lights - i was excited and nervous and scared and just feeling alive - but throughout - i was weighed down by a sobering tinge of sadness that kept me from really enjoying the world - i landed a job at macey's and was assigned to work in the evening gown section - i was going to keep floor displays interesting - i felt a little less , a little more secure and looked forward to the refreshing challenge
so i went to go visit my sister in her place of emplyment - maru was working in a lab with all sorts of animals - her job was simple - she monitored the animals in their cages to make sure none of them broke out or caused a ruccus or something - this position was handled in shifts and maru's was the late afternoon shift through midnight - i got there and used the phone in the reception area to call killy - i told him i loved him and that i was sorry i left but that i had to - he sounded sad but not angry - it made sad and anxious - i knew that killy thought i was with the guy and i reassured him that i loved him and that he was everything for me - our conversation ended kind of in limbo - nothing was said except good-bye - our gnawing thoughts and words did not make their way to the surface
resigned - i met maru in her lab with the intent of relaying the news - i never got the chance to tell her but that didn't bother me - my mind was filled with other thoughts - i wasn't able to tell her because there was a giant ten foot long crocodile walking around the white lab grumbling and growling - he rumbled about slowly but i had heard how fast these animals can travel - so i was nervous - i kept looking at his teeth - i also noticed that everywhere he walked he would leave a trail of little black pebbles - sometimes in piles and sometimes like a trail - so maru was telling me that the croc was following me around because he didn't recognize me - not to worry about him - just pretend he wasn't there that he would eventually get bored of me and leave me alone - but i wasn't about to let my guard down - the crazy growling creature was still following me around - as i watched him anxiously maru was explaining to me that he was in a grumpy mood since she got there not knowing why or what happened - i watched him laboring up and down the short stairway from the lower to the upper levels - as he walked through the lower shelf of the free-standing shelves - and anything that was immobile and low to the ground - i was watching him do all this when it happened - the poor croc was suffering from having eaten a small plastic truck and it was stuck in his rear hole while he tried desperately to push it out - hence, the small black pebbles everywhere and the strategic walking over anything that would help ease the truck out
end of dream

so i've been a real grouch lately
i hate living in a mess and i feel that my house is always a mess - i get angry because i think that killy should help me more consistently - that he shouldn't forget his shorts in the bathroom floor or his socks under the dining room table - that he should not leave his belt on the floor for me to step in with my bare feet and hurt my arch - that he should be aware of the puddles of water he splashes all over the bathroom sink and the toothpaste foam on the mirror - that he should put his dirty clothes in the hamper and his clean clothes in the closet - that he should know that the kitchen counter is not for putting mail, bags, paper, fotos, bills, etc. on that it is used to eat off of or to serve drinks - and lastly, that household chores must be shared equally and regularly - not whenever one gets tired of the mess or done in the five minutes before guests arrive - that includes balancing the checkbook
so that's why i've been a grouch lately
not that i am perfect - i haven't done the laundry in going on two weeks - and i don't wash every dish in the sink immediately - but it does seem like if i don't do these things for a week - they just don't get done at all
at all
so even after a full week of letting the dishes pile up and leaving the laundry scattered everywhere - i still come home and it's there - so i clean the house
the whole house
and it makes me angry
and in a bad mood because i don't want to cook anymore

so there