So it's true. Killy and I are pregnant. I am feeling it. Every morning, I am tired. I get tired in the early afternoon too. I am tired and yawning all the time. I am hungry too. For fruit and water. Hungry for water. mmm...

I hadn't started my cycle. I am on the ball all the time. I have never been late. I have never been late but I had forgotten my start date before. So I've gotten confused in the past. But I have never been late. Just confused.

I wanted to tell Don today. Couldn't do it. I still feel some kind of strange obligation to him. He is so nice and such a sweet guy. I feel like I have somehow disappointed him. I only feel this way because when I first interviewed with him, I said I didn't plan on a family until at least five years. And now this...

This sweet and confusing and emotional fantastic miracle.

I had been having dreams. very long and strange dreams - nothing made sense - i dreamt of sensual beings of no particular gender - the beautiful creature sort of reminded me of those giant blue beings from fantastic planet - large eyed and excited for life and love - their was always bath water in my dreams - in one form or another - and these dreams would not leave me - so vivid and real
i remember thinking how strange it was to have these dreams again - when i was younger i had these dreams - i wasn't pregnant then - but i remember dreaming this way in younger days and how fabulous the stories were - the colors i saw and things i did - nothing could be that way in the real world - and i would write down all my dreams on peices of scrap paper - every once in a while i come across one of those wayward scraps - the images they evoke and magnificent and magical
and then as time went on - and i was no longer in school and i was working and trying to find myself - so the dreams stopped
now
fifteen years later - i started to dream again - the visions that swallow me whole

didn't think much of it right away...

and then it happened

i asked my sister to get me a test because i can't let myself spend 13.00 for one test - so she got one from her doctor - i took it home that same night - tuesday, january 2, 2002 - i was already offically two days late - killy read the instructions while i raced to the bathroom
NOW WHAT
hold it upside down
NOW WHAT
wait a minute

but b y then i already knew...
instantly the line appeared - blazing blue in the little window - i knew which line i needed to look for because i took this test once before, hoping...
that one failed.
but this one...

i came out of the bathroom dizzy with excitement
sat on killy's lap and held him close
he knew
he studied the little windows and smiled
we both smiled

we were going to have a baby

instantly killy jumped up and was calling the world
i called my mom first
then maru
then everyone else

still can't believe it
but i yawn all day - stopped drinking coffee - am eating well and have gotten my prenatals

still can't believe it