why

my sister breaks my heart - i talk about this in great length to many soothsayers but i can't seem to find her in my life the way i would like - i seem to always fall short of her expectations only to find myself climbing some rocky ledge to grovel at her feet for a crumb of affection - i never thought i was the type of person who needed anyone but herself - but the more time goes by with this silly argument running the show the more distant the possibility seems
how can a few simple words become so twisted into such a negative thing - my emotions are mixed - i am stupidly surprised and genuinely shocked that such a translation can be born of such innocent actions - then i find myself angered and stubborn about reviewing what seems to be the only path to correct the error
i have too much pride - i know it - and i think being proud has served me well to some degree - otherwise i wouldn't be the person i am and i wouldn't have what i have - which is nothing remarkable in the great scheme of things - but is my whole existence and my whole life and it makes me happy
then there are my friends
such mysterious things that i tease about are quite respected among them - these are individuals i respect and love and they fulfill my selfish needs to a certain point - and for them i am grateful and blessed - so when i contemplate my innocent deeds and find that there is no fault in them by measuring what is mostly their charmed and amused reaction - i feel justified in my pride and even more wont to reflect a life without her
why are things so complicated?
the love of my life is the only soul who troubles himself to help me - when there are torturous emotions riding high in our faces - he heads them off with incomparable strength and skill - i guess i rely on this to teeter what will totter and together we can straighten anything out
and then i remember my relative solitude as a child - oh yes - i had friends - but none that were set in stone - everyone was happy to go their way and do their thing and i was not one to get all misty eyed about the prospect - i had my own adventures to meet and my own demons to vanquish - it was always easy for me to be forgotten and to forget - i guess this is the only time in my life really that i pursue anything seeming friendship - but i don't do it out of desperation - there are people i respect and honor that i enjoy being around and who i hope enjoy my simple sentiments - then there are those that are a passing breeze - refreshing and light - i treasure such connections in private and selfish ways - i know - but there is no scar left in the end - just s flitting refreshing sigh
and that's what makes it difficult about having a sister to love and to hate
i can't experience her in quite the same way
i can't escape her and the hurt she inflicts
i know she doesn't purposefully do this - i suspect somewhere she loves me (???) - i would like to think that somewhere inside her soul she loves me
i just can't find it
i can't see it
in her words - in her actions - in her reactions to me
and she is more than just a breeze - she is more constant than an emotional respite - she is a rock - a heavy stone of guilt and pain in my life - more often than not i think
and if her reaction is familiar in history
i am heartbroken, shocked, dismayed and saddened to think that i am nothing but a source of pain to her - and maybe she doesn't love me because of this - and maybe it is better that i were just a passing memory to her instead of the sister that i wish i could be
it's always been easier for me to end relationships with the exactness of a surgical knife - it's always been a neat straight line, a bloodless slice, a clean incision - i certainly do not have a steady hand today