so i have a new job

i'm excited about it
but kind of concerned about it at the same time
i am torn between the desire to make real money
in order for my family to benefit
and the idea that my family would best benefit by my spending more time with them
this struggle in the light of the repeated issues that my big boy is having at school
is a very difficult one to find balance in
it doesn't help that i meet a lot of mothers who are stay at home moms
and seem healthy and happy on the outside

i am taken by fits of purpose and determination
goals and dreams fight for space in my head
filling my mind with possibilities
i can improve my house
i can put my children in private school
i can save for a wonderful vacation someday
i can make it possible for my husband to pursue his dream and realize his purpose

then i think of my little boy
struggling with social concerns
big bad boogie men personified in those adults who reproach him in the name of scholastic wellness
are they stifling his spirit?
am i?
do i give him enough time?
is guilt driving me to spoil him and in turn driving him to be a brat

why do people who love him call him an asshole

is this my fault?

when the calls come in
i just want to quit
and stay home with them
and everyone tells me
it can be done
you can give up everything to be there for your children
right now that they need you the most

will my son hold this against me later on in life?

and yet
there is this opportunity for me
a once in a lifetime chance

i am not a young thing anymore
i have only so much education
i should have something more for my children