i am smiling as i write this
the excitement and daring of uprooting my soul
to move in with this guy i met over five years before
to this foreign world where nothing made sense
not even the shoes people wore made sense to me
no one wore hats
and coats were an afterthought
and it was hot and muggy and impossible to breathe

we used to live around the corner from the whip in
78704 is not just a zip code, it's a way of life
that was a long time ago
when i was young carefree and naive
it was our first apartment together
killy got it from a friend who was moving out when i told him i would move in with him
it was really cute
a one bedroom with a miniscule kitchen and a little creek behind the apartment
austin was really hot
at least for me it was

i drove killy crazy
i always wanted the air conditioner on
we were really poor
it took me about three weeks to find a job
and immediately i made more money than he
but he had the credit cards
and he used them to furnish our little place

the first thing he purchased was a huge bed
with a deep pit in the middle
slowly it would swallow us like quicksand in the night
we would wake up smashed against each other
sweaty and stuck to each other like soggy fruit rollups

but i made him good breakfasts
and taught him to eat salsa and cantaloupe
and how to dream with salsa burbling in his full stomach

it was here where we shared our first adventure
enter the giant rat
living in front of a creek in an apartment
it's not surprising
we discovered the rat one day when we saw a hole chewed into our bread
the hole was chewed straight through the plastic packaging
and burrowed into the bread
yuck
we set rat poison and checked it every day
to see if the rat would eat it
one day we noticed the box was half empty
and we became worried because there was still not dead animal to be found
what kind of a beast was this
visions of green, decaying zombie rats dripping acidic saliva from inch long fangs onto coarse-haired muscular limbs horrified our imagination
weeks later
killy was home and saw the monster
it was standing in the kitchen chewing on a piece of poison
scoffing at our silly, human attempt to destroy it this way
just standing there almost two feet high
chewing and eating
oblivious to killy's presence

so killy heroically trapped the ugly thing under
a wire garbage basket from the dollar store
and the rat still didn't move
just kept on munching on that poison pellet
and killy called me at work excitedly
i trapped the rat
he yelled
well get rid of it
can i use this record
he asked me
no, not osiris bullman
so he took his lawrence welk album (champagne time for two)
the one we danced to in the living room together one night
and slid the disk under the garbage basket
the rat snapped out of its hypnosis right then
and jumped to attack killy
managing to cling to the side of the upside down basket
this was when killy saw the poison oozing out of its ears and mouth
a burbling reddish foam
killy quickly took the beast outside and placed it strategically near the creek
and then with a beautifully executed soccer arch
he kicked the rat
record, basket and all
across the creek and onto the embankment
where it lay dead to the world
lawrence welk's silent notes its only company
on its trip to rat heaven

the first person i met was paul
the day after i landed into austin
killy was to meet him at the park to play soccer and urged me to join him
zilker park was right down the street
all my clothes were winter clothes
long black cotton and tweed dresses
i had to tear one into the shape of a summer dress
short, low cut back and straps
before i could go out into the world
i fell on my butt that day in the park
in a puddle of mud
i was so embarassed i cried
paul smiled and was kind
killy comforted me as best he could

i came from a place where i didn't need a car
the "l"s and my feet were all i needed to get anywhere
but not in austin
so when killy got sick with the flu
and the only thing he could eat was soup
i was forced to get behind the wheel of his little charlie brown
a brown chevy blazer that he had when we first met
but it was a fighter, and it was still fighting
it was night in austin
and i had to get myself to HEB for groceries
some chicken and veggies for soup
i wanted to take care of my killy
so i managed to get lost for an hour
i got home and killy was worried sick for me
but the soup came out real good
mmmm
and my baby got better

i still felt alone when i first moved here
i didn’t know anyone
killy had introduced me to paul and colin and todd already
but i still needed to establish some kind of personal connection with everyone
mostly because i kept confusing which face belonged to what name

killy’s birthday was the perfect excuse
beginning of carolina’s need for a full house
i secretly called everyone in killy’s phone book
and asked whoever i called to get a hold of people i didn’t have numbers for
the plan was
- get keys to paul
- leave apt at 9 or 10
- come back in half hour
- everyone jumps out and surprises killy
how to tell that we left apt
- someone would call
- and i would say
- i am jumping into the shower
- which meant
- give me fifteen minutes and then get over here
so they called
i think it was ryan who called
or todd
can’t remember now
all i know is that killy was in a real bad mood on his birthday
because no one had called him
to say
happy birthday
and man was he angry
he had taken a long walk from his job and barnes & noble to my office
through fields of gnarly mesquite
carrying his camera woefully he came across a decaying deer
snap snap
hmmm perfect picture for this awful birthday

and then he was angrier because i was stressing about how messy the house was
i cleaned it up nicely real quick
but he was in such a bad mood, he yelled at me and we almost got into a fight
i laugh now
because he really wanted someone to empathize with him
and i was too busy getting the house arranged for his
surprise birthday party
in any case
the call came in
no happy birthday to killy from the caller (made him angrier)
they asked for me instead
i announced
i’m jumping into the shower right now
they confirmed
15 minutes then
i said yes
killy says – you’re going to take a shower again
i said no
but i didn’t want to talk to anyone right now

now – how to get killy out of the house without raising suspicion
it took me ten minutes to convince him to go out to dinner with me
we ended up driving to HEB and got beer
in the parking lot he somehow decided he was going to get drunk alone that night
he was so depressed
so we drove back home
just in time too – i was at the end of my rope
the bedroom door was closed
the house was clean and eerily empty
killy’s senses piqued
he got into karate pose and kicked the bedroom door open
surprise
they jumped out carrying paper hats and noisemakers
a chocolate oreo cookie cake magically appeared in the fridge
killy’s smile lit up the room
and new friendships warmed the crowded apartment like a
slow crackling fire in the middle of winter

it was a stressful and beautiful time
this start of our life together
in the hopeful heat of the utopia that is austin
killy tried so hard to make everything just right
and i tried just as hard to prove that everything wasn't
but he won this war
and i am a grateful loser

my most recent appointment with dr. karmel
was good
i learned definitely that i did not have gestation diabetes
i also learned that my baby is going to be a giant monster
giant
as in gargantuan
i also learned that i only gained 3.5 pounds
which is good
considering that by my fifth month, i'd already gained 30 pounds

anyway
killy and i had a romantical getaway one last time before the baby comes
we went to fredericksburg
and we happened to go there when i was convinced that i had gestational diabetes
so i didn't eat anything that i wanted to eat
no sugary breads, no breads period, no snacks in between
and there was a festival
the crawfish festival
which i couldn't enjoy
because i couldn't eat the crawfish
(questionable origins)
and i couldn't enjoy the fried dough
or the lemon ice
too sugary
so we didn't go into the festival
we just kind of walked around the perimeter if the park
and gazed

but we were tired anyway
after having been on the bus for like six hours
we just wanted to sleep
so we made our way down the quiet residential streets
to the rose nest b&b
the same little place we stayed at when frank & whitney got hitched so long ago
and we slept in each other's arms
and we woke up early the next day
to have breakfast
the baby was rumbling in my stomach
i made egg beaters in the microwave
because i couldn't eat the sweet dutch apple pie that they left for our breakfast
but i munched on some fruit
not much
we weren't sure if i could eat fruit
and then we crawled back into bed
where we lounged for hours
watching t.v. and giggling and talking and arguing and loving
and didn't get up until lunch
when we were hungry again
and we went out into the world
where killy and i found a great little german bakery restaurant
and killy had a pancake and breakfast
(for lunch)
and i had a quesadilla
because it had cheese and veggies and chicken
i only ate one fourth of the tortilla

so we walked around
killy was wonderful
he let me wander into every store and browse until i could take no more
until i was so exhausted
and then we went back to the rose nest
where we napped
until i was hungry again

and then we took showers
and ran to a beautifully expensive restaurant
and had a romantical dinner
yummm
we recorded everything on our camera

it was such a beautiful weekend
i was in the clouds for weeks after
still am
just humming to myself and loving killy
my husband my lover my best friend
and the baby
the baby will be born into love
because that is what my life is right now
my life is with killy
and killy is love
and my life is love