I started building my little baby's memory book yesterday.

I went to my doctor's on thursday, 01/10/02 and she confirmed what I already knew. She also took a picture of what was happening to me down there and showed me the little sack where my baby will be growing. It looks like a dark bean in a space of static grey and if you look closely, you can see a light circle within the bean. That's our baby.

I had my first real bout of nausea this weekend. I watched Ezra for Maru on Saturday and the day slipped by without lunch or dinner for me. At 7:00 PM I was dizzy and hungry and nauseated. I almost couldn't eat anything, but I took it slowly. I ate an apple first, then a banana, then some crackers. Then Killy made me a spinach salad and I started feeling better when I got some sunflower seeds. I felt real good after that and was able to bowl a really bad game.

Killy says that he wants the baby to be full of love. So he makes it a point to be happy for me and the baby. He knows that everything that I feel, the baby feels too. He is always smiling and laughing when I come home from work. He cleans the house and washes the dishes. He tries to give me what I want, my love. He plays the guitar for the baby and kisses the baby in my tummy. He urges me to rest and not to worry. He walks with me so we can be healthy and have an easy birth because he says he doesn't want the baby to have a pointy head. He is absolutely wonderful.

And I am happy. It's so amazing to wake up every morning and be aware of this baby of love growing inside of me. Every minute of the day is filled with me thinking about the little person inside of me. Today, I am six weeks pregnant. Buds have formed on the baby bean that will become the arms and feet. There is a heartbeat too. I am to see my doctor at the end of the month to get a listen on the heart beat. The baby is now an embryo and is about 1/17 of an inch long. The umbilical cord develops. The eyes and ears begin to form as well as an opening for the mouth. The heart has begun to pump blood and most of the other organs are well under construction. Today, I love my baby more than I did yesterday. Tomorrow, I will love my baby more than I do today and on and on and on.

Killy will teach the baby how to tie a tennis shoe. How to ride a bike, to play catch, to fly a kite. The baby will fly lots of kites. We will teach our baby how to be curious and how to laugh at life's silly things.

And the baby has cousins already. Ezra will be one year old and then some when the baby is born. Diego will be six? Desma will be one year too. They will play and fight and laugh and run together. They will teach the baby what they have learned in life and my baby will drink it all in. Then everything will be even more wonderful than it is now.

I can't believe how incredibly happy I am.

So it's true. Killy and I are pregnant. I am feeling it. Every morning, I am tired. I get tired in the early afternoon too. I am tired and yawning all the time. I am hungry too. For fruit and water. Hungry for water. mmm...

I hadn't started my cycle. I am on the ball all the time. I have never been late. I have never been late but I had forgotten my start date before. So I've gotten confused in the past. But I have never been late. Just confused.

I wanted to tell Don today. Couldn't do it. I still feel some kind of strange obligation to him. He is so nice and such a sweet guy. I feel like I have somehow disappointed him. I only feel this way because when I first interviewed with him, I said I didn't plan on a family until at least five years. And now this...

This sweet and confusing and emotional fantastic miracle.

I had been having dreams. very long and strange dreams - nothing made sense - i dreamt of sensual beings of no particular gender - the beautiful creature sort of reminded me of those giant blue beings from fantastic planet - large eyed and excited for life and love - their was always bath water in my dreams - in one form or another - and these dreams would not leave me - so vivid and real
i remember thinking how strange it was to have these dreams again - when i was younger i had these dreams - i wasn't pregnant then - but i remember dreaming this way in younger days and how fabulous the stories were - the colors i saw and things i did - nothing could be that way in the real world - and i would write down all my dreams on peices of scrap paper - every once in a while i come across one of those wayward scraps - the images they evoke and magnificent and magical
and then as time went on - and i was no longer in school and i was working and trying to find myself - so the dreams stopped
now
fifteen years later - i started to dream again - the visions that swallow me whole

didn't think much of it right away...

and then it happened

i asked my sister to get me a test because i can't let myself spend 13.00 for one test - so she got one from her doctor - i took it home that same night - tuesday, january 2, 2002 - i was already offically two days late - killy read the instructions while i raced to the bathroom
NOW WHAT
hold it upside down
NOW WHAT
wait a minute

but b y then i already knew...
instantly the line appeared - blazing blue in the little window - i knew which line i needed to look for because i took this test once before, hoping...
that one failed.
but this one...

i came out of the bathroom dizzy with excitement
sat on killy's lap and held him close
he knew
he studied the little windows and smiled
we both smiled

we were going to have a baby

instantly killy jumped up and was calling the world
i called my mom first
then maru
then everyone else

still can't believe it
but i yawn all day - stopped drinking coffee - am eating well and have gotten my prenatals

still can't believe it