so yesterday i was at romano's - i was hungry for pizza - and you know how it is when you are running in and out of the cold - you always have to pee - right

so there i was - i ordered my pizza - and i told killy i would go to the bathroom - so while he paid for the pizza i went to wait at the bathroom which was conveniently occupied - so i sat down at the empty table that was the farthest in the back of the restaurant - and all around me were stacks of pizza boxes precariously piled to the ceiling - so i looked at them for a while listening to a little girl talk to her mom in the bathroom i was waiting for

there was a couple, looked like a mom and son twenty something, sitting at one of the tables closer to me - i didn't want to be staring at them but the pizza boxes lost their allure after a little while too - well out of nowhere, a teeny little girl with soft wavy hair popped up in a booth close to my table - the little girl was playing with the condiments on the table - she couldn't have been more than four or five - she smelled the pepper and sneezed - she smelled the parmesan and wrinkled her nose - the mom and son across the aisle were charmed and giggled at her cuteness - the little girl continued her exploring completely unaware of the entertainment she offered these three strangers
and she smelled the garlic powder and wasn't satisfied - she sprinkled some into her hand and tasted it - she made a face

i got up and checked the bathroom - the mom and child were still in there, i could hear the running water of the sink as the little girl was asking why the soap was blue - i came back and stood at the table i had occupied just moments before - killy came and asked me if i was sure i wanted the pizza to go - yes, i said and whispered - isn't she the cutest little thing...look at her - the mom and son were so smitten, they smiled and ooed at the little girl's capers who was now under the table testing her maneuverability in the cramped space - i assured killy i wanted to pizza to go

he disappeared to the front of the pizza place again and i watched a waiter carrying a cheese pizza on a plate walking around apparently not knowing where he was going - a mom strained her neck from the front of the pizza place and directed the young man to the little girl playing with the condiments - it's for her, she's sitting alone in that booth - he placed the pizza in front of her and she waived her little fingers over it studying it - she grabbed the salt and poured it onto the shiny slice of cheese and sauce - and without hesitation looked up at me, as if she had been aware of me for some time - and asked

when are you going to have your baby

the mom and son gasped in surprise and giggled politely - i was surprised too, i know i didn't look pregnant

in september, i said

the mom and son laughed in relief

what are you going to name her, the little girl asked without missing a beat

allegra, i answered

suddenly - the bathroom was unoccupied, the little girl's mom showed up next to her and as i slipped in to the porcelain refuge i heard the mom saying

but she's poured salt all over the place...

now, you realize, i don't look pregnant - and i don't look fat - maybe it's my hormones, but i have to admit, i was taken by my conversation with that little girl
she was no more than five, small like a little insect child - so i washed my hands in the bathroom thinking

what if she could see inside me...

well what if...

so i ate a bagle today for breakfast and a salad for lunch - i talked with don about investment advice to give killy's and my child - he gave me some good tips - it's so scary because i want to teach our baby so much and i feel like i don't know anything

the only thing i know i can teach my child for sure is how to love
because i love my husband so completely - he makes my life full and crazy - not that we live in a perfect pink world - but we do live with love and in it - being with killy taught me so much about this - something that i always thought i knew about - and then he shows up in my life - full of energy and dreams and wonderfulness - he saw me for who i am and taught me to laugh at myself - he just makes me laugh with pure joy

i want my baby to laugh with pure joy - just like the daddy and like the daddy taught the mommy - i know we can teach our child at least this much

so in january 31, 2002, killy and i went to see my doctor
this is the first time killy met her - she's really cool - i really like her
this is also the first time we heard the baby's heart beat - my little baby's little heartbeat - it sounded kind of swishy and fast - my doctor said it sounded strong and healthy - she also told me all of my tests came out positive - i have O+ blood - i never knew that - i also got a few more ultrasounds - this time the baby looked like a curly fry with a fat end and a skinny end - the baby measured 2.5 mm and that made herm 8 weeks 6 days - that also changed the due date - killy was excited to learn that the baby is due on his birthday - now wouldn't that be something

meanwhile - i still love my job - i still have crazy dreams - and i am still grumpy and feeling yucky

i am waiting for killy to bring me lunch