Today, I am 3 years old

Today, I am 3 years old
Originally uploaded by CarolinaDivina.

my little angel boy is three years old - i worried and fretted over his birthday party over the entire week - a result of poor planning on my part - i swear - every year i promise myself that i will do better next year - it seems that every year my preparation just gets worse - i mean - i was STILL cleaning the house when my boss drove up - i even forgot to put on deoderant and didn't remember until after i hugged my bosses wife as they were leaving at the very end of the party
BUT
my little angel boy had a wonderful time
I still can't believe that it was three years ago yesterday that he was taken out of my belly
i can still remember the tugging and the pulling sensations as the doctors worried him free
the steady humm of electrical current in the background that ensured everything was working in that cold bright room
the love of my life sitting next to me - bleary eyed and excited
then
the sudden overwhelming chasm of emptiness i felt paired by the rainbow of emotions flickering across my husband's face
"...the camera...the camera..."
i chanted firmly, calmly
i saw my husband raise the camera in slow motion
two decisive clicks
"...i can't see..."
and then there he was
hovering over the blue screen
all the colors in the world formed a protective halo of life around your wrinkled giant baby body - your mouth bigger than life screaming for the comfort of the world you grew inside of for nine long minute months
you were here
to change my life forever

i lost my baby

the baby stopped growing at about 6 weeks
the machine wouldn't work when i first got there
the doctor had to reboot it a couple of times
then the goop
then the glove
then the uncomfortable poking and moving around inside
then the doctor's furrowed brow deepening as he pushed buttons here and there

then he turned of the machine
turned the light on
and told me i'm sorry

the baby stopped growing at about 5.5 weeks
the yolk sack had come out of the embryonic sack
the egg was still inside of me making my body think it was still pregnant
it had been 5 weeks

he stepped out of the office
this was not like the movies
i let out two deep sobs and sat looking at my toes
they were in terrible condition
they were awful and ugly

i got dressed and walked out to call my husband
of course this was the only time he wasn't at his desk
i couldn't hold back my sobs
he immediately left the office to meet me
he is so sweet

we went to la tapatia and i drank three margaritas
my husband - who doesn't drink
drank 2 with me

we bought some gardenias
and we named her after my grandmothers

now she is adolfo's guardian angel
her name is
Angelita Maura