...my darling son...
that is the heading of every letter i write to you
and i try to write to you each time i pump
because i want to be near you
and talk to you
but i can't so instead
i write to you
and tell you little things
and sometimes big things
and sometimes nothing
but always
i dream of you
your little warm body curled up next to me

it's going to be hard to put you in your crib
i'm so accustomed to your little form between daddy and me
you're so small and warm
and you smell so good

you wake up in the middle of the night
looking for me
i love being woken up by you
even in my sleep
i am aware of every movement you make
i am excited at everything you are sensing and learning
and i want the world to open up to you

there are beautiful things in the world my son
and i know that they will come to you

[10/10/2002 1:25:40 PM | Carolina Chavez]
you are here now
you've been here for six weeks now
and you are more beautiful than i could have imagined

you are sleeping right now
i took this moment to write this
because soon you will wake up
and beckon me
with your strong lungs and your strong demands

you are always hungry
it seems
and i am always ready to feed you
because you are my growing boy
and i want to give you the best i can
even though it's only mama's milk right now
and a song to rock you back to sleep

i can't believe how much i can love such a small little person
who takes up my whole life
and i only just met you
and already i'm in love with you
sometimes i can't sleep at night
i'm too busy falling in love with you all over again
looking at you sleeping peacefully

it's ridiculous
sometimes i am struck with a fit of panic
what if your daddy
big lug that he is
rolls over on top of you and squooshes you in the night
i watch his back sleeping peacefully
his steady breathing rythmically marking the time away
he never rolls over on you
once, he ribbed you with his elbow
but you didn't notice
eventually
i fall asleep to the sound of your sighs

you wake up curling yourself like a small "c"
for chavez
rubbing your face with your hands
you don't even know you have yet
and then inevitably
you break out in a sad song of suffering
how you could suffer so at such an age
i don't know
but your cries convince me tat the your suffering is great
and i run to pick you up
and hold you close to me
and smell you
and humm to you
and feed you
because you are hungry again

i love you my little boy
my little angel
i love you more than my heart can understand